124) I prefer to discuss the ideas that I disagree with because they are the ideas that teach me who I am.
125) I prefer the cold dark run because it highlights what I have, that is, strength and energy, and a need to complete the run.
126) The harder you dig for meaning, the more likely it is to evade you.
127) The digging should be the meaning.
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128) It's the beginning of June, 2011. Life has seemingly changed significantly for me this past 12 months. I've nearly "completed" the state's prescribed rehabilitation. Through the process I have gained an appreciation for calculated actions and calm. However, I find the calm to be like a cloud preventing clarity of thought that occurs so naturally when there is chaos. Four words repeat themselves in my mind 'fuck these summer days' and screw the ease and comfort they provide. There is no clarity and there is no opportunity to commit this feeling to memory, or to learn from it or gain from it; there is no obvious way to build strength. Where is my anger?
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129) I believe that there is a date for me. There is a point where I will have satisfied my debts and forgiven my lenders. There will be clarity and purpose. There will be intent where there was once indifference. You'll be able to see it in my eyes, and if you ask, I'll tell you about it.
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130) This ease and comfort is slavery. The more they give me, the more they expect from me. The cold dark winter is freedom, while the comfort of summer is oppression. When I had less, I had so much more. I want nothing, because I have everything. To want is to live, to desire, to lust. To have the things you used to want is to be owned by those things.
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131) I want less. I want chaos. I want pain. I want difficulty. I want to be angry, and to be frustrated. I want it to be hard. I want to be disagreed with. I want to be told I am wrong, so I can work harder with the rhetoric.
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132) These things I want, seem as difficult and impossible to obtain as the things I used to desire.
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133) Do those free people I see recognize my glances of envy? Do those vagabonds understand what they have? The lucky ones do.
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134) To have strength, health, and a purpose is to have it all.
Friday, June 3, 2011
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