The hundredth day

I was woken up the right way, and the day seemed full of potential. I left the house early and I walked tot the train. There was a small amount of snow on the ground after the city was shut down the previous day due to the storm.

I boarded the 7:43 train and it was crowded by denver standards. I stood and chatted with a lady who considered bringing her bike but decided against it. I never grasped why she told me that. A young man snored asleep but awoke at his stop. The woman stayed on the train. I told her to have a nice day and I went to the office.

I asked a friend to meet me for a sandwich at noon or so at my sandwich place. Becca and I share a birthday so I wanted to go celebrate with her. My sandwich was an "east coast" and it was righteous. I had a shot of whiskey with the McGladrey guys then King James the bum showed up. Justin worked a camera deal on his phone and also called his credit card company. Between King James the retarded bum and Justin's camera deal I barely got to "enjoy" my lunch, but maybe I "enjoyed" what it actually was in place of being "enjoyable." Becca poured me a second beer against my better judgment but maybe she poured it for my benefit. Maybe I decided that yeah, this life makes me drink and act like an asshole and maybe I shouldn't do this fucked up work for this fucked up club I would never join, since they would accept me. Maybe, there's more to me than this.

King James the retarded bum didn't have much going for himself; he had been incarcerated 220 times, he told me. I asked him how he kept track and suggested that he must use a spreadsheet. He agreed; he keeps track of his incarcerations on a spreadsheet. He begged me for a second whiskey and I told him to stop asking me for things. He called me mr. dustin. He apologized profusely, and he told me of his trip over the sea where he saw jesus and peter. I told him that he was a profit. Justin grew angry and told him to back off and go do his thing. Becca was visibly uncomfortable. But this was wednesday and wednesday is the part of the week you must survive before getting to the next part.

I grabbed free birthday coffee drink and free tea drink on my walk back to the office. I would reek of booze but coffee would help my nerves. I fantasized about being let go, or resigning. I would resign because I would not work at a place that would ever confront me for drinking booze at lunch. I would quit the club that would accept me, just as I would quit any such club. I fantasized about just leaving and not doing any of the work they wanted me to do, for any of the reasons they would come up with for me to do it. I don't need to do this and I don'e want to do this. The fringe might be where I belong.

The afternoon came and went; I did work I don't mind doing since it is still on a contract basis, and a challenge, and interesting, and something I am choosing to do. My head circles around ideas of workplace etiquette and politics and I have ideas one minute then reject them the next. I will not give up like this. This is only a phase.

I jumped a train home, I rode it free. I was in a hurry, I had to pee, and I wanted to see my son. I wanted to see my wife and I wanted away from this mess of nonsense and confusion. I wanted my basement and my whiskey and my music and my clean basement with space for decline pushups and my Bueno records. I wanted to get away from the mess that I found myself in. I felt anxiety today and that is the opposite of nostalgia, that feeling is Butters. 

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It was awesome, and all the bitterness went away, when the fellow Eric made the blog post about the photo. That was weird and cool and made my day. I feel better about that than a $10,000 bonus and paycheck and a credit rating. My credit rating is my smile and my face and how I feel.