Oktober / Profound unease

In a year, what would one expect to get done? Sitting a few miles north of here, a year ago, I wonder what I was doing. The night before, I had photographed a hockey game, one that led to me trying to keep track and understand whatever it was that I was doing. Can I even put myself there again? I can go back further if I want, I can go back to the day my life started.

It had been a hell of a day at the dirt jumps. This would have been in 1998. I bet it was September. Then again, I am probably mixing together multiple experiences.

If it was september, the jumps would have been perfect. They were perfect, so it was September. Perfect, but still dirt. A rock garden at the bottom. Dramatic crash, dog, 14 year old kid, and anger. Missing skin. I think I kept jumping, though. I would have kept jumping. My fucking hip, elbow, and knee, were all pretty fucked, none too bad to function but annoyingly bloody, painful, ugly, and messy. I jumped for a little longer then I walked down to my car, threw my bike on the back, and jumped in. It was parked with the nose pointed downhill so I could start it. 2nd gear, little roll, pop the clutch, and the thing would easily roar awake.No radio, no heat, but yes, sheepskin seat cover. I was headed about 10 miles away, to a little trailer in a pretty nice trailer park called Mountain Sun. I sat in the car, and I felt the pain. I thought about the painful showers that were coming. I thought about the fucked up day at high school I would have the next day, and I thought about how I had no money, and I thought about my stupid, painful, ugly, embarrassing life.

That was when I became aware. I felt the pain in my arm and I changed it to meaningful pleasureful joy. I thought about my situation in life with my truck as invigorating. I looked forward to my painful ride home, the painful showers, and all the rest of it, and I smiled, got some tingles n the spine and rolled off. I forgave my parents for my 'shitty' childhood and I thanked the mexicans for being a little scary, and the hicks being hick.