Monster

I've never been offended by my father or his decision to leave. I have always sided with him in his arguments with my mother. I remember when he told me he was leaving my mother, and leaving us. This is actually my first memory. After he left us, my father went to south america. He traveled around the countryside with a camera and a tourbook and a friend. There is some evidence that he found what he was looking for. The most compelling evidence is that he returned to Ohio where he would die. My mother got off of the phone, and she told me that he was gone, forever, and I cried, and I ran outside where I had played with matches. I felt shame for the danger I had put myself in with the matches.

If he were still alive, would I know what I do about the sacred mountains? Or would I know anything about the way? The experiences that we dread or second guess or wish had not happened to us prove to be those that are the most meaningful. I read the peoples posts on the internet and I secretely envy their difficult situations.

I have my own family now. I have a little son. How do I make an impression that matters? My dad had it easy; I'll always be amazed and he can do no wrong by me.