Honest reconciliation

366) We sat down today to estimate our tax refund. At this point the damn software shows us owing in excess of 20k. I haven't had money problems like this since I was 16. Last time, I got through it just fine; verily, I don't even remember how I got through it, but I remember that it was easy.

367) Tomorrow I mail another payment on the scout project. Buying wheels, tires, springs, and some of the rust-work. Already paid for the distributor and brakes and the axle work and a bunch more.

368) Haven't read any of the books on the list:

369) I realized something awesome today: no matter what it is that drives you, as long as you're stoked about it, it can occupy your time, 24 hours a day or as much as you need. If you're stoked about it, good for you, be all about it. For me, at one point I couldn't get enough loud music. I wanted to listen to it all at once; I wanted it louder and richer and I didn't want anything to disturb me as I listened. A pizza delivery driver rolled past in his beat-ass subaru listening to some rap music and I envied his mastery of what drove him. Incidentally, the higher up the food chain you get, the more you have to worry about your place on the food chain instead of what keeps you alive.

370) The cold makes me stronger. I photographed the scene downtown yesterday, after the local team embarrassed themselves and their city and fans in front of a hundred million viewers, and a weirdo guy asked me how crazy it was going to get. would my gear get stolen? "it's insured", I assured him. He showed me his equipment, a small camera mounted to a little monopod stick. His girlfriend's camera was a nikon d-something and "was worth maybe $789 or so" and so while he contemplated bringing that, he hated to risk the expense. I saw another weird guy who reminded me of this weird photographer guy on the bus this morning, and this second guy had weird mole-warts on his fat neck.

371) I got to share sisu with the girls at the coffee shop this morning, commenting on and recognizing their battle against the cold and the rude customers, and the piece of crap door and the coffee and the strength gained from difficulty and all that. I gave the $0.73 tip like I always do on the $2.27 bill and I slipped out the door as narrowly as I could. 

372) I turned on the modest mouse album, moon and Antarctica, and for the first time maybe, I really heard the words, something about fucking someone over. How it's all worked out, though, I don't even believe in fucking people over. I also remembered some of the favors I've done and how the people didn't think to say thank you or recognize them in any way, and maybe that is their way of saying thank you.

373) I'm not fast right now, but I burn 8 miles as fast as I need to, and I'll be ready for the platte river half.

374) We'll finance the 20k bill somehow, not worried about it. Before the house and the truck project and the wife quitting her job three months ago, and the apartment, we would have just written a check and forgotten about it. But life is weird, and now we gotta figure something out. The difference now is how many ways I could do it. The challenge now is how to do it for the cheapest price. Life is weird.