I deserve this

Monday

Monday started off normal. Woke up fresh and ready to be off the bender that started sometime before thanksgiving and continued hardcore through the new years eve party. Feeling so fresh, I showed up at work at 7:15 and immediately just got to it. Sent the end of year email about potential asset dispositions. Started updating all the schedules. Then, sometime around 9 am, the HR lady called. She asked if I had a few minutes. This can't be good, but of course I had a few minutes. She needed to know if I would be around today, and told me that my staff person wouldn't be coming in today. OK, I thought, this isn't great but surely we'll figure this thing out. I went back to my desk, a small knot in my stomach did not stop me from carrying on with year-end activities. Set the new same store segment list, started updating the OP Unit redemption spreadsheet. Worked through the lunch hour because I couldn't tell the difference between hunger and the knot. Going on around me are secret meetings and hustle and bustle and what not. I know it's about me or isn't, but I don't care, I keep working. I go downstairs to get my sandwich, a Rueben since it's Monday, and my two bosses are just hanging out in the deli, with no agenda. "What's on tap" asked the CFO. I don't really have an answer for that. I get my sandwich and go up stairs. Finally at 12:55 the HR lady calls me back. She wants to see me at 1:15 and so I get a meeting request with the subject "catch up" and I accept. I am questioned about my new years party and after I talk about it for a few minutes, I am asked about a photo of a co worker that I took in Vegas. I explain this and that about the party and the photo and the HR lady explains that my employment is to end immediately, but that I would be compensated fairly for my resignation and so on. Being an at will employee has its perks and pitfalls, and one of the latter is that the company doesn't need a reason to let me go. I ask a few questions and explain my disappointment that a better solution couldn't be reached, but this only lasts a few minutes and I am satisfied with my new reality. We begin to arrange for an after hours meeting for me to collect my belongings, but then she realizes that I am not a risk to this company and she allows me to retrieve a few belongings from my desk. "We are very impressed with your professionalism with all of this" I am told. I get my things and say good bye to my boss and staff and I walk out the door, return my key card to the other floor where HR offices are, and get in my car and I go home. It's 2:00 in the afternoon and so I go for a 5 mile run. The legs are good and the kings forest is a mess of mud and ice and most of the runners take the paved road but I take the icy muddy outer loop. I pick up the kiddo and am slightly depressed but he doesn't care and he air bombs me on the couch and goes back and forth between him being the bad guy and me being the bad guy.

Tuesday

On Monday in all the hullabaloo I had texted Justin "let's snowboard tomorrow" and so we arranged logistics and I went to my parking spot downtown at 7:45 and I trecked accross downtown Denver with my snowboard and boots wearing my hat and gear and I went to starbucks and picked up a coffee then went to Justin's and got in the car and we headed to Keystone with him and Amy. I had beers in my pocket and we buried them in the snow and we rode for a few hours at Keystone then went back to the parking lot and cooked some dogs on the small gas grill and observed the parking lot. We had friends at another ski hill so after a couple of dogs we packed up and drove up to A-Basin and found a good parking spot and got up on the hill, went to the sun-baked montezuma bowl and shredded. Felt great. At the top of the lift after a few runs we ran into Doug and Sean, and kids Devin and Connor and we rode the lift with Doug once but on the second run 8 year old Connor wanted to ride with the snowboarders. I quizzed him about having a brother 4 years his junior ("it sucks. he cries when I fight him in NHL 2016 on playstation"). But Connor was awesome and on my last run of the day we went down the frontside and I had a beast-like ride down that mountain, one that could never be taken away from me, and we called it a day and we headed to the car and down the hill. I got home in time to take care of this and that before I picked up kiddo from school and it was a great day. I had lied and told my people that I was taking vacation. One time I lied outright and another time I just didn't tell the full truth.

Wednesday

So after 36 hours the sting was mostly gone and I got on with my business of maybe finding employment. I tuned up the resume, etc., and had some conversations about jobs and then a conversation with maximin about all that is good and right with the world. Then I got in the car and I went to Boulder for a meeting with the midwife Lauren. We had a great visit and the best part was the visualization of the new child coming in to this world. The act of birth as a "jump start" to the child's nervous, respiratory, and circulatory systems. The first time the child would experience gravity, light, unmuffled sounds, changing temperatures, air, touch, not to mention using their lungs, heart, eyes, mouth, nose, and everything else for the first time. It was an incredible vision and my eyes teared up as I thought of little Dawson; the magic of his birth and the trauma of the hospital and the toughness and fortitude of his spirit and the amazing face he made as he began his life. Its a powerful moment for me and I realize how good this wonderful life is and how much love I have for my family and how thankful I am for Lauren and I immediately feel much better about the second child and their first few weeks. We are re-assured that we are in fact ready for this child and we know what to do and we discuss strategies for the four year old and so on, and then we examine the baby (130 BPM) and the mother (116/66 or something) and we say goodbye but not before scheduling our next visit and figuring the date on the calendar where we are all comfortable (legally and otherwise) with the home delivery that we all desire. That day is February 5 and we are all 100% comfortable with that date. Any sooner and we may be in a hospital. March 15 is the other side of the range and any day after that might also require hospitalization but any day between those two and we will have a calm, quiet, safe, supportive, and perfect situation at home where we plan to deliver this child. After the hour long meeting I drop Carolyn off and I go to Wahoo's for the two most delicious fish tacos I have ever eaten, two bowls of salsa and a bowl of chips, and a salted margarita. I am pleased with my day and I take a call from a recruiter and I drive back to Denver satisfied and happy. Before I get Dawson from school I fill up the gas tank in the subaru and get some provisions at the local market, including protein shakes, clif bars, hot dogs, buns, laundry detergent and the like. Dawson and I have a good evening and Carolyn is home in time to find Dawson in the bath, where he had eaten his dinner and possibly let a small turd out. He goes to sleep after a story or two and we watch a murder mystery TV drama from the 90's on the streaming service and we go to sleep.

Thursday

 I woke up before my 6:37 am alarm because Carolyn was already in the shower. She was determined to get to work on time and I was determined to help more with the child care since I don't have any conflicting responsibilities like needing to be at work. Justin and I had agreed or worked out the night before that he would arrive at my house at 8:00 am for another trip to the mountains and he did show up at that time and we loaded the car and dawson helped transfer the propane from his trunk to mine and delivered the coffee mug Justin's girl had borrowed after the big party. We delivered dawson to his day care and we headed to the hills. The turbo on the subaru felt great and we drove fast until we got to Loveland pass. It was snowing and we were behind a tanker truck and hazardous materials are required to take the pass rather than the tunnel so we settled in and rocked out to some loud music and talked about anything but the fact that I didn't have a job anymore. We got to the hill and the night before in addition to getting groceries I had waxed my board and so it felt like a magic stick under me and the tunes were loud and good and I rode fast and in control and with style and no one could take that away from me, not even the ski patrol or anyone else. It had snowed a little so conditions were good and we shredded for a while then decided to get lunch. On the way to the other side of the mountain Justin took a very significant crash on a very insignificant obstacle and so we limped to the car and he was hurt and so I handled most of the dog duties. We filmed a very funny episode as a man struggled to get his Thule roof rack to open and we enjoyed a beer and the tunes and the day, well, except Justin was in quite a lot of pain in his shoulder since he had crashed very hard on a very small obstacle. Justin admitted that he would be unable to enjoy snowboarding so I packed up our belongings and finished my Dale's Pale Ale and we headed off toward the town of Idaho Springs where we seek a stop at a new brewery. Westbound and Down we sample the offerings and have a nice chat with the bartender and some girls who are headed back to Iowastyle (Ames) and another girl who frequents the candle light. Jimbo would have had success with this girl had he met her at the candlelight. She promises to just hang out there and wait for us to show up so Jimbo still has a chance. Anyway after some more beer we get a bag of coffee accross the street and an americano from the cracked-out barista and we get on the road. I am generally calm on the way down but at a few points I show off the turbo and I drive fast, only to settle back in to a smooth groove. That car is good for me and my multiple personalities. We arrive at the compound and we open some chips and salsa and we grind the beans ourselves by running them through my combination burr grinder / coffee maker and it is far from efficient but all the while we chat and we get the job done. Justin limps back to his car and leaves and I change clothes for the 5 mile run. Of course I have had 4 beers and 2 hot dogs so the run will be perfect. The ice has turned to slush and the mud is everywhere and I listen as my feet splash and crunch. This is where it gets good. Maybe two thirds around the park, on the way back, I am listening to my feet and enjoying the squish of my shoes and my power and my lack of proper clothing, and I think back to 2010 and the visit to the detention facility. I think of what happened then, and what happened this week, and 3 words come into my mind: "I deserve this." these words could be interpreted several ways, and this causes me to laugh out loud. "I deserve this" as in, this great fortune, this vast wealth, this health, this happiness, I deserve all of it. Because I am good to people and I live my life the right way. The irony of the phrase struck me, because, you can also say "I deserve this" when you are admitting guilt and accepting your punishment. I laughed out loud at how similar these two things were, yet how one brought me complete satisfaction and how the opposite interpretation implied defeat. I thought of this break from work as an opportunity to become stronger and faster and smarter than I had ever been before. I will run when I have 45 minutes to run, I will lift when I find the kettle bells, I will read and study and be informed and when the eventual job is found, I will have a new child and outlook and vision and I will have new proof that life is good.