4130.2020

493) Folks work to get what they want. They hustle and scramble and compete and jostle.

494) My question is weirder; is it that I shall, or should, or could, but won't? Is it that I care, or that I want to care? Is it seeking the thing, or seeking to understand why I seek?

495) It's now new years eve 2019, a new decade upon us. I started this decade with starry eyes and I "achieved" more than I would have ever set out to. But now, I feel further and farther from what I seek. It's not because I'e achieved nothing. It's because what I seek has become much harder to find.

496) I haven't studied lately. At all.

497) Lately I am less concerned with what and more concerned with why. Less concerned with how and instead I want to know what will the journey feel like.

498) I'm far from being "better" than before, that is for sure. I understand less and am more confused. Maybe it's part of the arc or maybe it's all the poison.

499) This next decade might need to be named, before we finish this week. This last decade was great. I still remember new years eve 2009, talking to someone, and realizing that I was on the eve of a big 10 years. And sure enough, in ways I couldn't have imagined, it was big. Not for the resume or things obtained, but for the setbacks and struggles and realization that those things are the why.